


how do you grieve?

by luckykaos



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: A little, Denial of Feelings, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, The Umbrella Academy (TV) Spoilers, acknowledgment of, cause of said parenting, cursing??, do I have to tag that?, the others are only mentioned really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26171446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckykaos/pseuds/luckykaos
Summary: Whenever Klaus had needed to talk, he had turned around Ben had been there. For over a decade Ben had been there, even when he didn't want to be.So who the fuck is he supposed to talk to now that Ben was gone?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 78





	how do you grieve?

Everything has it’s side effects. Not sleeping, drugs, being raised in a hostile environment where you are forced to compete with your so called “siblings” for a speck of attention from a man who seems to have never wanted children in the first place.

Yeah. 

That last one definitely has side effects.

  
  


The bigger something is, the bigger the side effects. Powers, for instance. Sure, there is the obvious “holier-than-thou” mindset that comes from it, the uncontrollable urge to solve every problem the world has with them, but you have to remember the little things. Like, the fact that being born with powers means you don’t know how it feels to live without them. Take, for instance, a person who can see and talk to and listen to and overall be tormented daily by the screams of those who have long passed. That’s a fun one.

Of course, being able to see the dead has its benefits. Someone you care about dies? Who cares, you can see them whenever you want, talk to them whenever you want. Hell if you’re sober enough you could even try to hug them. But if that person never truly leaves, then you never truly grieve. 

You would never even learn how to grieve.

  
  


These were the thoughts swimming through Klaus’ head as he lay in bed. He could hear his siblings downstairs, watching the news report about the unfortunate death of John F. Kennedy. Really, was no one even thinking about Jackie? That poor woman was going to need therapy (then again, therapy in the sixties.... the First Lady trying to get therapy in the sixties....). On second thought, ixnay on the herapy-tay.

_“A Cuban exile known only as ‘Diego’, who recently escaped from the Holbrook Sanitarium...”_

Was Diego Cuban? Klaus had always thought he was Mexican really, why would they assume Cuban?

“Hey, is it more racist to assume DIego’s Mexican or Cuban,” he asked, turning his head, “cause the sixties have got that whole thing with pigs or something, and-”

Wait. He forgot. He stared at the wall, willing the empty space to fill up. Waiting for a friendly face to tell him he was wrong or some stupid shit. A blue glow began emanating from his hands as he pushed, trying to force him to appear. Just one line. It doesn’t even have to be a nice one. Klaus’ hands started shaking with effort, fighting against something Klaus didn’t even understand. If what Vanya said before was true, then Ben must have gone into the light. But...

But Klaus didn’t get to say goodbye.

He rolled back over, turning his eyes towards the ceiling as the newscast continued downstairs.

_“The FBI is asking the public to be on the lookout for this unidentified boy, who they believe is being held hostage by a suspected terrorist network...”_

He should probably go downstairs. Try and solve the whole “people want us dead cause they think we killed the president” before they got caught.

  
  


* * *

  
  


_“He wanted me to tell you that he was too scared to go to the light. It wasn’t you that made him stay.”_

Of course Ben had to get the last word, the bastard. To anyone else the words would have seemed like a final jab, _“I didn’t stay because of you”_ , but to Klaus they were an immediate relief.

Klaus did his best to stare out the window, considering that he was surrounded on all sides by a different sibling. It only served to make Ben’s absence even more prominent. For once, they were all going for the same goal, for once they were actually acting like a family and trying to help their little sister, and Ben wasn’t even here to see it. Just his luck too. First he gets stuck with the one sibling that couldn’t let him connect with the rest of his family, and now he isn’t here when they all took their heads out of their asses and realized they weren’t alone. Well, close enough.

Klaus still couldn’t talk to any of them, not really. This was probably the closest they had been in years (literally, Luther was breathing right on his neck), and yet Klaus had never felt so alone. Normally, he’d be tuning out a rant of Ben’s on how he should actually talk to them and muttering insults back under his breath, but now there was no one. They were all coming to terms with what had happened, and what they were now driving to, and as close as they were, no one was talking, it was infuriating.

If no one else was going to start then…

“So, little Vanya. Who’s the little squirt we’re driving down to visit?”

A faint smile appeared on Vanya’s face as she explained to them who Harlan and Sissy were, and talked about her time with them. She seemed so happy to talk about them. Klaus how awful was it that Klaus genuinely couldn’t remember when Vanya had last spoken with such emotion. Probably has something to do with all the drugs Dad gave her. Technically, they had both gone and drugged themselves to dampen their powers, it was just that one of them didn’t know it. Soon enough, everyone was sharing stories of what had happened during their time in the sixties. Ben was gonna be so smug that he was right, Klaus turned to face him-

No.

Again.

There was nobody there.

Klaus sighed and fell back against his seat, vaguely aware of the story Luther was telling about how his boss-man had hired him.

What was he supposed to do? How do normally people do this? What do you do when you’re so used to death being a question and being able to control the answer?

  
  


* * *

  
  


Well, that had been _fun_ . No really, all those people from the Commission, and every single goddamn ghost they had brought with them, it had just _filled_ Klaus with joy. And then add all the shooting to the thousands of newly teleported ghosts? _Fucking fantastic_ , it did absolute wonders to his psyche.

Klaus just looked back down at the dog tags in his hand. Today Dave would be leaving to meet him… he was losing Dave before Dave even knew who he was. How fucked up was that?

_“Says the man sitting in a destroyed living room smiling at some random dog tags.”_

At least, that’s probably what Ben would say. All day Klaus had had his voice creeping just in the back of mind. He hadn’t paid it much mind, cause the whole _this-kid-with-Vanya’s-powers-is-doing-some-crazy-shit_ had been a little distracting, but now it was truly quiet. There weren’t any snide remarks, attempts at lightening the mood or to get Klaus to get his head back on and go outside to his siblings. Besides, they all needed a second to themselves. They were raised to confront thugs and supervillains, not their own feelings. A+ parenting skills Reggie.

_God_ , what Klaus wouldn’t give for a drink right now. It would be frowned upon if he tried to ask for liquor from whatever was left of the kitchen, the house had also gotten fucked up during the fight. Actually, just… everything was fucked. That seemed like a simple way of explaining it.

But now everything had died down and

Klaus was alone.

For the first time in years, he was truly and utterly alone.

And to be honest he didn’t know how to cope with that. Part of him was still expecting Ben to be standing there all grumpy and disappointed when he turned around. Klaus thought he still might be in denial, but what did he know about grief? The five little steps were just something he had picked up with the twelve and the seven, and how ever many other numbers there were.

Denial. 

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

Technically he should be in denial right now, but Ben had been dead for years, he knew that. He wasn’t denying Ben’s death, he just… was having trouble remembering it was permanent this time. He didn’t really feel angry, and it wasn’t like he was angry at Ben or at God, whatever the little brat was doing right now. He wasn’t really begging for Ben to come back (is that what bargaining meant?), he just felt… empty.

Just a little numb.

Which would technically put him in depression. But who knows? Certainly not Klaus. He didn’t know how to handle any of this, that was Ben’s job. It had always been his job to deal with emotions and reality and all that jazz. Klaus had been content to simply exist. 

WWBD.

What Would Ben Do?

Ben would probably be telling him to get off his ass first, and then go talk to his siblings. Easy for him to say, he doesn't have to interact with any of them. But still, he would be right.

Klaus looked up as Diego and Vanya suddenly came inside, followed by Allison and Luther. Five had the briefcase ready. It was time to go home. Maybe he could. Maybe he should. When they got back, Klaus would go to one of them. Vanya would probably be the best bet, but it’d be fun to mess with Diego a bit. Allison would probably be willing to talk to. He could ask them, “ _how do you grieve?”_ , and maybe,

maybe he would even get an answer.

**Author's Note:**

> i started this, forgot about it for two weeks, and this is what we ended with.


End file.
